Edgar Walters Cables: Killer Pandas

10/07/2011 7:21



Classified By: Senator Edgar Walters, Reasons 3.5 (g) and (l) and (b) and (t)


1. (C/NP) Recent user posts on social networking and grooming site Facebook have led to a potentially high-risk security leak, in the form of the following text:

PLEASE put this as your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by pandas. Pandas are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn’t know, they can also breathe fire. 93% of people won’t copy and paste this because they have already been eaten by pandas, 6% of people are sitting in their showers armed with fire extinguishers, and the remaining 1% are awesome and will repost.

Particularly worrying to top level military advisers is the included revelation of pandas’ fire-breathing capabilities, which the Australian Defence Force had been hoping to exploit as a combat mechanism. Consequently, various federal ministers and shadow cabinet members, particularly those with a predilection towards receiving panda-induced burns during coital acts, have urged the somewhat desperate need to explore new strategies to cope with this intelligence breach, and are encouraging the development of a possible smokescreen or disinformation campaign.


2. (C/NP) The killer panda phenomenon arose in backwoods, godzilla-fearing Japan, where a pair of Chinese pandas inexplicably survived an earthquake that struck a Tokyo zoo. (Ref: http://english.peopledaily.com.cn/90001/90776/7317381.html) The incident, which occurred on or about 11 March 2011, was the second recorded quake survived by one of the pandas, who has subsequently emerged as the “Alpha Female” of the pair and is hence destined to continue life as an evil villainess according to the rules of largely dateless-male-written superhero comics. It is believed that Gamera, the “crazy flying farting turtle” (quote: film historian Testudo Graeca, ref: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gamera), played a not insignificant part in the miraculous survival and fire-empowering of the two cute but fierce beasts.


3. (C/NP) When the weapons potential of the two killer pandas was realised, the ADF put into place an immediate clampdown on all news of the miraculous transformation (hence sanitised reports as referenced in 2. (C/NP) above) and sought to claim the pandas for Australian defence purposes. This was achieved through a threefold process by which revelations of the existence of the pandas was “hushed” at various corners. “Black budget” money has been used to pay off organised panda criminals such as the Russian Pandas, the Panda Mafia and especially the Panda Yakuza. (Initial opposition to this plan was reportedly outweighed when it was observed by an unidentified high-ranking official that “cash flows where the guns are biggest”.) Elsewhere, funds have been poured into stepping up mating facilities in zoos, partly to hide the killer pandas in a sea of ordinary pandas but also to provide fresh experimental stock for the repetition of panda augmentation once its properties have been isolated. Lastly, and courtesy of an Act of Parliament secretly passed in the minutes between 24:00 hrs and 0:00 hrs on 13 June 2011, the Australian Federal Government is providing back-door economic support to China’s “one couple, one panda” policy.


4. (C/NP) Overshadowing the phenomenal expense to the taxpayer that has already been caused by the purchase of this technology, the exposure of the phenomenon and the subsequent need to renew its concealment from the public are predicted by inexpert economists to factor into the quadrillions of dollars. When pressed, nine out of ten of the aforementioned economists alleged the reasoning behind their calculations was too complex to explain to non-economists, while the remaining one was killed by panda fire before he could provide comment.


5. (C/NP) The Facebook leak has already generated a sufficient following that at least one awareness campaign, Pandasty International, has been formed in its wake. Its founder and sole member, Phil N. Throppy, has already presented a financing statement in clear reference to the original scare report: “87% of donations will go towards start-up costs incurred by shoddy accountancy, 16% will go to the pandas as ‘protection’ money, and the remaining 21% will be spent on buying me a new calculator.” Throppy alleges his organisation is in no way affiliated with Pandas International (ref: http://www.pandasinternational.org), which in any case has demonstrated enough sense not to pursue this issue. In his organisation’s manifesto, Throppy clearly makes the unfounded but scare-mongering claim that “these killer pandas have no difficulty in propagating the species, so we can expect to see plenty of them on the loose if anything goes wrong along the lines of [2002 film] 28 days later…, not that I’ll be the crazed whacko to break into any secure facilities to release them.” (ref: http://www.brokenlink.org/nut_job_ape_lover) This misinformation is potentially more damaging that the initial leak. There is no risk of propagation as the effects of Gamera’s radioactive influence have neutered the killer pandas, but it is worth observing parenthetically that they are invincible and indestructable. Throppy’s campaign web site has been removed, but the risk of copycat organisations emerging remains high. Throppy has himself been dealt with, and was last seen on a smoking rooftop in Villawood, NSW.


6. (C/NP) Both sides of the lower house are in favour of retaining present panda-related measures. No MP wants a killer panda epidemic in their constituency. Particular support comes from National Party MPs, who are concerned for the safety of arable land, which they presently feel is better spent on storing winsome cattle destined for hideous offshore slaughter (where the tax breaks are phenomenal). Big business would like to keep a clamp on the scenario as well, as killer pandas are undoubtedly a cost they would have to absorb and be unable to pass on to the consumer, as will be the case for things like the carbon tax. Interestingly, support has also come from Australia’s fledgling TV production sector, where producers uniformly acknowledge that killer pandas as a subject represent “a reality show too far”. There is some talk in Channel Nine’s corridors of transforming the concept into a sensationalist drama series featuring as many semi-naked name actors as possible, but there is uncertainty surrounding any TV star’s desire to be seen copulating at gunpoint with a panda – and putting Jason Gann in a panda suit has been described by Nine Network higher echelons as “patently ridiculous”.


7. (C/NP) A general disinformation strategy has been called for. Initial suggestions from ADF officials have been to “treat it like those UFO nuts. After all, it’s only Facebook – who’s going to believe anything they read on that?” Already, a far-fetched substitute warning is being issued by Facebook users on behalf of concerned parties:

ATTENTION: Tomorrow Facebook will change its settings to allow zombies to enter your home & eat your brains with a spork as you slumber. To stop this from befalling you & your loved ones, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings /Cannibalism / Brain uncheck the “Tasty” box. Please copy & repost, as many people don’t know about this yet.. For those without a brain option, don’t worry; you’re SAFE!!

It is hoped this false campaign will lead the public to assume the killer panda threat is equally frivolous. In parliamentary circles, consideration is being made towards the introduction of yet another controversial yet distracting “levy”. Members of the lower house are particularly in favour of this approach as it will put them in the media spotlight with sufficient lead time for the exposure to influence the results of a fresh “preferred leader” news poll. However, at least one major polling organisation has already confirmed that it will introduce a wild card in the next survey: Gamera the giant farting flying turtle.

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