Edgar Walters Cables: The Change-Up
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SUBJECT: CRANIAL TRANSITION EXPERIMENTS
Classified By: Ambassador Edgar Walters, Reasons 1.7 (f) and (c) and (u) and (k)
1. (C/NG) Concern is rising that covert motives behind the production and release of Universal Pictures’ The Change-Up (rel. date. 05/08/2011; absurd US dating system 08/05/2011) are being anticipated ahead of the timeline of the official dissemination campaign accompanying said motion picture. Speculation is rife that its secret paymasters, heretofore identified only as “The Organisation”, had been banking on a slow release information management scheme and that they are furious at the way nonexistent social networking sites such as EarNewspaper, FoeSter and YourTime have linked users in a knowledge network arising from the blogs of one smart-arse conspiracy nut whom everyone just happened to believe for a change.
2. (C/NG) David Dobkin’s film, produced by Dobkin and Neil H Moritz on behalf of “The Organisation”, depicts the swapping of personalities between two distinct human entities. This process has long been a staple of motion pictures, dating at least as far back as Maurice Elvey’s 1916 Vice Versa, itself adapted from Thomas Anstey Guthrie’s 1882 novel. It was during his early years at Cambridge, prior to being called to the bar, that humorist Guthrie unearthed a minor, forgotten legal case from 1847 in which evidence was presented that purported to link mesmerists with an unidentified military operation. Though much of the evidence was classified, Guthrie pressed on with a private investigation. The (subsequently censored) memoirs of a number of high echelon figures of the period make reference to Guthrie’s endeavours. Indeed, one reference attributes the following quotation to no less than Winston Churchill: “That damned Anstey with his comedies was bang on the money. There was a bigger vice to Vice Versa than any of us might dare suspect.” Churchill is alleged also to have remarked that Anstey’s use of fiction to desensitise the public to the notion of a “body swap” so impressed the minds behind the actual on-again-off-again project that its revival during World War I was accompanied by Elvey’s film adaptation.
3. (C/NG) There is little to suggest that Maurice’s Elvey’s film led to a grass roots swaying of opinion regarding the idea of or principles behind cranial transition. That it followed from its source novel in depicting a father and son swapping bodies by virtue of contact with exotic flora from the Indian subcontinent did little to persuade anyone that such a feat was possible by technological means. Indeed, the results of the programme, initiated as an early joint venture between the UK and the USA (and considered by some as the real reason for the US’s entry into the war the following year), were at best variable, with three monkeys and a horse offering confused expressions for the better part of twenty minutes and an iguana struggling to achieve self-propelled flight. Nevertheless, the idea of marrying revivals of the project with such covert media campaigns held, as interest was later kindled both pre- and post-World War II.
THE 1987/1988 WAVE ——-
4. (C/NG) A spate of five such films, including a fourth adaptation of Guthrie’s Vice Versa, was produced and released as a cycle in 1987-88. Their production tied in with renewed interest in the cranial transition programme, itself spearheaded by fresh funding from forward-thinking Neo-Conservatives looking first for a way to overcome then-President Ronald Reagan’s mental deterioration and later as a means of constructing a pliable “puppet” presidential candidate they could infuse with the personality and will of any of their cohort.
“THE CHANGE-UP” AND NEW DEVELOPMENTS ——-
5. (C/NG) Intercepted FSB documentation has revealed Russian attempts to revive cranial transition experimentation, with suggestions that some (unnamed) private American concerns are affiliated. (Together, these parties form “The Organisation”.) The documentation cites the nondescript “national security” as the principal motivator behind this revival, though at least one party purporting to be an insider has refuted the blanket description. Said insider claims the Russian government has grown weary of the bloated nature of Hollywood cinema and wishes to subject key Hollywood film industry executives to illegal cranial transitions. Curiously, the insider strenuously denies suggestions that filmmakers Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer will be early candidates for experimentation; apparently Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is “rather keen on their work”. It is believed that Bay and Bruckheimer could be among the American “silent partners” involved in this new line of experimental work, and that it is they who motivated Universal Pictures to proceed with production of The Change-Up.
YOUTH REJUVENATION PROGRAMME ——-
6. (C/NG) The naming of a minor character in The Change-Up – played as a Russian, no less – as Zoltan had led industry insiders to speculate that this is more than merely a polite nod to Penny Marshall’s 1988 Big, a member of the 1987-88 “Cycle of Five”, where Zoltan was the name given to the fairground attraction responsible for Josh Baskin’s sudden metamorphosis into adulthood. These expert commentators have observed the reference as a subtle hint that the parallel Youth Rejuvenation Programme abandoned circa 1991 may be back in motion. (This programme sponsored Big in its ultimate message that there is nothing wrong in being young. The desensitisation was deemed on this occasion to be too subtle, with most child audiences fixating on the fantasy of becoming older and most adult audiences fixating on Tom Hanks’s patented off-putting facial features.) Indeed, an anonymous financial contribution made towards The Change-Up has since been traced to an offshore account that several former News of the World phone hackers (a.k.a. journalists) had previously linked to the assets of Joan Rivers. “That pretty much says it all,” an expert commentator stated when interviewed at the tail end of a especially long line of cocaine at the tail end of an especially extravagant Hollywood function. “I mean, have you seen her face?”
JASON BATEMAN AND COVERT INFILTRATION ——-
7. (C/NG) Star of The Change-Up Jason Bateman has long been an active partner in such covert media desensitisation programmes. Presently he is also visible in Seth Gordon’s Horrible Bosses, itself an information campaign advocating recent developments in controlled aggression theory and the acceptance of murder as a valid business tool. Earlier this year he featured in Greg Mottola’s Paul, the most recent in an enormous line of films designed to desensitise western populations to the arrival of extraterrestrial biological entities since their actual arrival on Earth some time in the 5th century BCE. Throughout his career, Bateman has presented the public, positive face of a number of covert campaigns, the first of which was an attempt to prove that a member of the Bateman family was capable of providing the entertainment industry with a performance not universally derided by the public. In the form of 1987’s Teen Wolf Too this evidently failed, but Bateman was not deterred, and it has been postulated that a summary of key classified military projects can be gleaned merely from a cursory scan of his filmography. For this reason alone a number of high-ranking military officials have called for his imminent assassination. However, a groundswell of popularity for Bateman’s growing on-screen boyish charm married to his desire to confront coarse humour head-on may be enough to keep him safe for at least another three or four months.